I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He did a backflip because drugs
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
