8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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