I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i love accidental penises.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The ass gains better be worth it
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