He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
