Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
