I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
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No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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