Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Randomize
