Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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