I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
