Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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