I heard we made out
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
