he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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