that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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