i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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