I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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