My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
