her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
