look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
