Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I have post one night stand depression
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
