I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Barsexuality is the new black.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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