Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
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I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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