dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
