You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
