yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
