I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
