I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
