I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
