If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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