how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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