my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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