You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
