god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
