if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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