I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
