thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
