dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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