just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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