Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Randomize
