I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
