A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
