I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she peed on how many people?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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