he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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