Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
