I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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