Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
