2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
