You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
