god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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