I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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