I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
