She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
