I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
