from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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