imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
