hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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