Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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