i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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