His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i will never coherently bang her
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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