Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
