Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
