i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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