I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
