May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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