Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
