he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
