did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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