he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
